I tend to ramble.

I feel restless. I keep posting on Facebook that I need an adventure. At school when we get restless, we pile into Seanne's Pathfinder and go exploring the 3,000+ acres Sweet Briar has to offer. We go off-roading. We hit up the rhythm section. We lay down in the middle of the road and stare up at the stars. We jump in the lake. We just explore God's beautiful creation for a little while to forget all of our problems. Every now and then, we'll venture out into unfamiliar areas of Lynchburg or Amherst and get lost. There's something so liberating about driving around a strange place without the assistance/annoyance of a GPS. So when I say I want adventure, that's what I mean. It's not as fun by myself. Daddy lets me take his truck down the overgrown paths of our farm, but it's not the same; Lucy, Libby, and Millie are lovely, but they're not great conversationalists.

I have a guidebook to Europe. Yup. Checked it out at the library last Tuesday.... not really sure why. I mean, I hope I get the chance to do my education internship abroad. That would be fantastic. Exploring Britain has always been dream of mine. And if it happens, I hope that by some small chance of fate, my Ali is still there finishing up her semester abroad. That would be beyond fabulous. My country bumpkin mind can barely wrap itself around the fact that I went to California a few weeks ago, so the idea of traipsing around the lands around the English Channel for a week or so with my best friend is nearly unfathomable. I keep sticky-noting everything I'd like to do, and there are lots of sticky notes sticking out of Great Britain, France, and Ireland. There are quite a few for Italy, Greece, and Spain as well, but I'm trying to start small. I just feel like a European trip would be the ultimate feeling of freedom and culture, things I've been lacking exponentially in my life lately. There are so many things I have only ever dreamed of doing, places I've only dreamed of visiting, and the fact that there's a minute possibility of it all happening has me reeling right now.

There are still some things that make me burst with happiness. For example, my aunt is retiring in two weeks. She is in her early sixties and has worked her entire life. I am so full of joy for her, so much so that I'm throwing her a retirement party. I'm going to make a chocolate cake, my mama is going to make chocolate ice cream, my brother is supplying the wine, and I have pink flamingo party plates and napkins purchased at Dollar Tree just for the occasion. It's the little things in life like this that just keep me going sometimes.

So keeping with the topic of completely random stuff... I've been thinking a lot about my love life, or lack thereof, lately. I have freaking rotten luck when it comes to guys. They're either liars, cheaters, wolves in sheep's clothing, or all of the above. I worry that my standards are too high sometimes. I worry that such crappy experiences have hardened my heart and closed me off to the idea of love with anyone but those who are completely unattainable (ie- Joe Jonas). It's almost as if in my mind, love itself is an unattainable concept, so why not dream of the most unattainable love of all? I brush it off all the time, saying I don't need a guy, that I'm above all that. I don't want someone to distract me from my goals, which I seem to be approaching at warp speed with tunnel vision these days. Most of all, I don't want to get hurt again. I'm tired of being hurt by guys, or just hurt in general. Furthermore, getting involved with someone would just open me up to even more loss, pain, and heartache, so why even bother?

But sometimes, the little voice in the back of my head gets a little louder... I want someone to cuddle with, someone to hold my hand and tell me I'm beautiful even when my face is shiny and my hair is an afro and I'm walking around in my Green Lantern boxers and a ragged t-shirt. I want a shoulder to lean on at the movies, and a good-smelling chest to rest my head on while I ramble. I want strong arms to wrap around me and block out all the bad stuff. I want someone who wants me in return, despite all my idiosyncrasies. I want someone who not only puts up with my insane friends and our crazy antics, but embraces it; I don't want him to intrude, but I don't want him to feel like an outsider, either. I want someone who loves the fact that I love my family, that I have people who literally mean the world to me, people who I want to be with for always. I want someone who endures my Jonas Brothers obsession with a smile. I want someone who appreciates my love for learning and teaching; someone I can talk to about literature and film and critical theory, then turn on a NASCAR race and debate drivers with. I want someone who appreciates the advantages of country living. I want a man of faith...he doesn't have to be Quaker, but whatever denomination he may be, his relationship with God needs to be strong and ever-growing. He needs to treat his mother well and his grandmother even better. I want someone serious yet playful, strong and confident, well-spoken and handsome, polite and well-mannered... I want a true gentleman, but with a fabulous sense of humor. Is this too much to ask?

... I think I know the answer to that question. Blargh. I feel like I'm just rambling on about my wants and wishes in this blog. I've had so much time to myself in the past week, and it's just fueled my thoughts about hopes and dreams and desires and wishes. I've watched by brother be indecisive and squander away opportunities due to his inability to make a choice and stick with it, and I don't want that for my life. I know what I want in areas like education, career, family, friends, lifestyle, etc. I feel like I've always known, and now I'm fighting for it. I'm making things happen the only way I know how. But this aspect (the romantic part) is the only one I don't know how to make happen. I mean, I can't just go out and ask a guy if he has all of the aforementioned qualities. There's no search engine where I can keep adding more and more qualifications until it spits out my perfect match. Maybe I don't even have a perfect match! Could I live with that? If I never find someone to settle down with, someone to start a family and grow old with... would I be okay with that? I feel like that would be just as earth-shattering as my never-ending barrage of loss. I have always been of the "happily ever after with Prince Charming by my side" mindset. Is there a happily ever after for me without a prince? Is a happily ever after even in my future?