I'm not even sure if I want anybody reading this stuff, but it sure feels good to get it out of my system. Lately, I feel incredibly lonely.... no, that's not the word I'm looking for. I just feel like there is something missing from my life, and I haven't the slightest idea what it could be. I know the obvious answer is that I'm dying to get back to Sweet Briar and my family of friends and some amazing classes and a set routine and some sense of normalcy or regularity, but I am not sure that even my return to the pink bubble could possibly fill this void in my life. A few weeks ago, my world shattered when I found out that my Mariah was not returning to Sweet Briar. When Amie texted me to make me feel better, I texted back that it just felt like everyone in my life who I cared about, the people who filled those holes left by other loved ones... they either left me, failed to come back to me, or died. When I typed it on my keypad, I thought it would be in jest; reality soon sunk in that it was not a joke at all.
Everyone likes to tease me about my obsession with winning, which I like to view as my aversion to losing or simply loss in general. It may seem funny, but the more I think about it, the more I realize just how much I am physically ill at the thought of losing even more, or even at the amount of loss I have experienced in my nearly twenty years. I lost a grandfather I never really knew before I was a year old. I lost my grandmother when I was nine. My lifelong best friend moved away when I was twelve. I lost my Grandaddy, a great-uncle, and a great-aunt when I was sixteen, all within three months of each other. Another great-uncle died when I was eighteen. One of my best friends didn't return to school for sophomore year. My very best friend had to leave less than a month into sophomore year because of illness. My favorite professor and possibly the greatest mentor I will ever have died this past year. My oldest and dearest friend from home moved away. And now the only friend who somehow filled those voids for me is not coming back to school. Oh, and I'm living by myself this year because no one wanted to live with me.
I don't get it. I'm so used to having everything figured out, so used to overflowing with knowledge and solutions and wisdom that to be at a loss for an answer makes me feel... well.... lost. What could I have possibly done to deserve all of this? I mean, I know I have more than most people ever dream of... more loving family members, more true friends, more drive/ambition/focus, more physical stuff (not that that even matters, but even then, I have less stuff than many people I know)... why does everything important get taken from me? Am I only allotted so much time with the people I love? OK, and I'll admit, I'm not always the best little Quaker girl out there: I swear like a sailor and I'm obsessed with trashy celebrity gossip, not to mention handsome celebrity guys like Joe Jonas and Zac Efron whom I prefer without their shirts; I indulge in a little wine every now and then, even though I'm not of legal age, and I don't always go the speed limit in my Buick. But are those minor transgressions any reason to begrudge me a lasting happiness?
It's so frustrating. I try to be a good human being. I help out everyone in any way I can. I go out of my way to make sure everyone I love is happy and healthy, or at least well-fed. I try to make myself readily available to those who need a sympathetic ear. I go to church when I'm home, and I talk with God every day. I study hard and work hard, and I take advantage of the opportunities that come my way. I'm trying to be less of a burden to my parents, and I have earned enough scholarships to almost pay my way through college. After all of this, why must everything I love and want be taken away from me? I know nothing lasts forever, but I feel like everyone I care about is just being ripped away from me. I don't want to stomp my foot like a little girl and whine "It's not fair" because I know I have it much easier than a lot of people, but I just feel like running outside, falling to the ground, throwing my hands up to the heavens and shouting "WHY!?!??!" What greater lesson can be learned from this? Patience? Humility? Perseverance? I already have those things in freaking abundance. Life is hard enough on its own; why can't God make it just a little bit simpler?
what crazy places our minds are. its like when something goes wrong, our subconscious goes 'you're fucking screwed' and you breakdown and you just wanna curl up and die. its an everyday struggle, an uphill battle. believe me, i know. you're never gonna have all the answers, as frustrating as that it. i hate it. i like to know things. but there's this little thing called 'faith.' its something so small, but so powerful. its also something that i lose frequently. but it always shows up in a text message from mom, a wall post from a friend, a hug from your young cousins--a small reminder that you're not alone in the world, even though you feel you might as well be. to make it in this life, you just gotta learn to love it all, even the pain. <3
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