Want

I've never wanted something so much in my life.... other than Joe Jonas, that is. I wanted to be a Tau Phi. I wanted the tap club of "smart people" to tap me. I wanted to belong to something for once. I wanted to be like my friends, who all have their gorgeous tap club hats showing that they're part of something big and important. It's the only club I've wanted to be in since I was a prospective student; I thought to myself, that's somewhere I'll fit in. I busted my ass for the past two years to keep my grades up, hoping that maybe, just maybe....

Apparently not. I spent all day freaking out over whether or not I'd get tapped. I went to step singing and felt nauseous at the thought of not getting tapped. I came back to my room and waited three and a half excruciating hours, listening as I heard their song echo throughout the quad through my conveniently placed window. I skyped Mary until they came to her and she slammed her laptop shut. I missed watching Gossip Girl because I was waiting patiently. I wrote the worst rough draft of my life because I was waiting and hoping. I listened to three people on my hall, including my very best friend get tapped.

And then they went away. That was that. My heart feels like it's shattered into a million pieces. I laughed and joked with some girls in the hallway for a while, and Ebet tried her damnedest to assure me that everything was going to be okay. I love her for that. But some things you just can't make better. Tomorrow I have to paste a smile on my face and tell everyone how happy I am for my two best friends who got into the tap club of which I was dying to be a member. I have to watch them traipse around campus with their signs and togas and ivy crowns in bliss because they belong to yet another group of people. I have to go to Seanne's game and cheer her on because in spite of all this, she's still my best friend and I want to support her no matter what. I have to watch Mary go around with her three tap hats (albeit very deserved tap hats), continuously over-committing herself. But me? I'll be slaving away over English homework, researching for projects and papers and thinking about my education internship. I'm sincerely dedicated to a few things on this campus, and that's English, education, and knowledge. But after tonight's disappointment, I'll never belong to a group that values the same things.

Don't get me wrong: I'm happy for the girls who got tapped into Tau Phi- a lot of them really deserved it. Seanne for one is one of the most under-appreciate geniuses on this campus; people can't see past her flighty, ditzy personality to find the econ/international affairs guru underneath. But I do. And I'm happy for her.

But when do I finally get to belong to something? I guess I'm committed to more than three things. I'm sincerely committed to my friends. I'm always there for them. I always cheer them on. I'm their stand-in mom. But there aren't awards for that. I don't get a fancy tap hat for doing that. I don't really get anything for that except the personal satisfaction.

Just like Mrs. Moore used to say in AP government: that and a $1.50 will get you a cup of coffee.

Eff my life. I don't understand what God's trying to teach me lately. I stop and listen and try to figure it out, but I just draw blanks. I've had to sit back and watch everyone around me get everything that they want as well as everything I want. I sit back and wallow in my heartbreak, begging Him to show me what to do. Then I pick myself up and put my trust in Him. I try to move on and continue with other hopes and dreams, but they never work out either. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can't I ever get anything I want? Ever?